Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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