so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
