I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I will be naked everywhere
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
