I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
