This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
