Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
