I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
