Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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