Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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