Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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