Please, let me fuck your mom
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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