life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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