she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
