totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
