Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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