we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
