lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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