She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
