I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
