well I can't set my house on fire every night
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
