Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
