I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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