The maid of honor just puked.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
