Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
