Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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