I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
