Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
