I'm so fucking centered right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
