tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
