So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
