Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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