I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
