Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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