i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
