Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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