Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
