i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
