Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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