you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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