Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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