ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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