Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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