i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
