I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
