she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
COCAINE IS GR8
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
