Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
