He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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