i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
