and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
