The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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