Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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